The Bloggess

Argh. There are a ton of scams going around in the literary world right now (and I know because I get at least 10 a week myself) but one of the latest scams is coming from someone pretending to be me. INFURIATING.

Basically, fellow writers are getting an email from me saying that I want to partner with them on marketing their book or picking it for my book club. This is a scammer who is going to ask you for money or for your passwords. I will never ask you for money for anything. In fact, if you get an email that seems even vaguely professional and well-written I promise you it’s someone pretending to be me because I am full of rambling nonsequiters, profanity, typos, and I am afraid of email and of contacting people in general.

The scam is usually someone sending a very long email saying how much they love your work and then after you respond they will ask for money for refreshments for the book club or for “basic administrative stuff” or other things. And if you say yes they will ask for more. Or they will say they want to partner with you to collaborate with you and they’ll use that to get ahold of your socials and then blackmail you for them back or sell them to places that promote p0rn. Or they’ll say they want to do a paid podcast with you on facebook live but first they need to meet with you online to make sure your computer will work and then they will take it over and change your passwords. It sucks and it happens constantly and it gets more sophisticated every day.

These are often made by generative AI (THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE) so millions of these scams are sent out with a touch of a button. That’s why you’re seeing them more and more. One of the easiest ways to see if you’re being scammed is to look carefully at the email the offer is coming from. The one pretending to be me is thebloggesss (with three s’s) @gmail.com. Most professional offers will come from a recognizable domain, so if someone emails you and it doesn’t come from the domain of the person contacting you (like mine should end with @theboggess.com) then that’s something I’d personally delete immediately.

Other AI things to be aware of? The incredibly prolific pity-advertising video showing an artist (often a marginalized person) crying while another AI person throws their “hand-crafted” product on the ground and laughs at them. The infuriating or inspiring stories on facebook and threads that are really just aggregators made up by AI for engagement and if you look at their profile you see it’s not a real person and says something like, “COLLECTING THE BEST STORIES” or some other bullshit. Entire accounts that are just bots made to attack or to say terrible things intended to affect your political thoughts or exhaust you by fighting with them. I’m sure I’m missing some (and feel free to leave them in the comments) but this is just a little post to tell you that you are not alone if you’ve been scammed and to be careful out there because there are suspicious robots everywhere. Avoid the robots and fuck generative AI, my friend.

First off all, apologies if you are signed up for my art substack where I send you a letter each week, because once again I sent off a letter that I thought started with “Hello, friend” but instead wrote, “HELL, FRIEND.”

In my defense I have been very sick with a summer cold and also I’m dumb. And technically, “HELL, FRIEND” works too at this point.

Luckily, I have a small warm chest compress getting me through the worst of this cold:

View this post on Instagram

The well-intentioned suffocation, however, is a sweet change from Purrsy’s normal nighttime routine of snuggling quietly next to my face until I close my eyes and then suddenly opening his mouth like a cobra and attempting to slam his tiny mouth around my head while purring as loudly as possible. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that these are mouth hugs and not his daily attempt to see if he is finally large enough to eat me yet.

Unrelated but too awesome not to share…my friend Jenny Shaw has been doing bookish nail art forever. She did nail art for Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, and for Furiously Happy but she has truly outdone herself this time with HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY:

View this post on Instagram

More later when this cold has stopped trying to destroy me. Wash your hands, friends.

I fell asleep reading a book and woke up to the sound of orange chaos:

In Purrsy Bysshe Shelley’s defense, I think we’ve all wanted to crawl into a book after devouring it.

And speaking of books, if you’re a member of the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club you’ll be getting The Children by Melissa Albert and if you’re a part of Nightmares From Nowhere you’ll be getting Muñeca by Cynthia Gómez. They are both deliciously good as evidenced by Purrcy who seems to have developed a taste for books and smiled so wide before literally biting directly into this one while making full eye contact with me like a tiny psychopath:

Need more than one book to get through the month? Me too. Here are some of my favorite new books:

Muñeca by Cynchia Gómez–  A surreal, gothic about a queer, Latine, working-class with who sets out to rescue a cursed heiress to Spanish colonial wealth.  

The Children by Melissa Albert– In which the estranged adult children of a legendary author, written into their dead mother’s beloved fantasy series contend with the vine-like creep of legacy, memory and magic.

The Reimagining of Thornwood House by Jaleigh Johnson– If you are looking for pure cozy, feel-good, escapism magic, this is it.  Like a Hallmark movie melded with witches and houses on legs.

Green City Wars by Adrian Tchaikovsky – Crime noir but with talking animals and cybernetics.  Inventive sci-fi sends a raccoon detective out to search for a missing mouse and goes deeper than expected.

The Sane One by Anna Konkle – An emotional and authentic coming of age memoir by the co-creator of Pen15.

Lore Olympus: Volume Ten by Rachel Smythe – I adore this graphic novel about Hades and Persephone and I haven’t read this volume yet but I’m so ready for it.

Headlights by CJ Leede – Seemingly innocent people are waking up on the side of the highway, with no memory of how they got there, wearing the skin of victims they’ve allegedly never met. And they each share one haunting detail: a strand of a stranger’s hair is tied around their tongue.  Creepy as hell.

Don’t Call It Art by Austin Kleon – 10 ways to create like a kid again. Excellent for restarting your art habit.

So! Lots to share because I am forever behind but first, tonight I’m doing a free zoom book tour stop through Nowhere where I’ll be reading HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY and we ran out spots a few days ago but we’ve expanded that now so if you couldn’t rsvp before just click here for one and we’ll send you a link to join tonight at 6pm (central). And if you order a copy from Nowhere I’ll sign it and draw cats or chickens on it before we ship it off to you. (And we still have HOW TO BE OKAY bookmarks and magnets that we’re tucking into the books too, while supplies last!)

Secondly, a few months ago Texas Monthly did a piece on me and the photographer was Andrea Mendoza, who I adore. We shot a billion pictures and they only used two so Andrea sent me this unused one and it is my favorite thing ever. It is the perfect representation of me five minutes after agreeing with my husband when he said, “We can stop in the bookstore for a coffee, but stay away from the books because you already have a giant stack of unread books at home.”

(Also, all of the books on the floor and in my arms are advance copies that we booksellers read to help us decide what to stock in the bookstore, so please to worry that I was crushing books from the shelves.)

Third, this weekend my parents came to visit and we went to a German restaurant where my dad insisted he tasted anchovies in the onion soup and we were like, “You are insane” but he insisted that it’s why it tasted so good and the waiter was like, “We don’t put anchovies in anything, weirdo” (the “weirdo” was gently implied) but he was like, “Can you ask what exactly is in the soup?” and turns out it was flavored with a Worcestershire sauce which has dissolved sardines in it and I apologize to everyone in the restaurant who heard me yell, “WHAT THE FUCK….HOW DID YOU TASTE THAT?”

Fourth, I DID NOT ACCIDENTALLY SHARE A PICTURE OF A PENIS FROM MY CAMERA ROLL. This was not originally the fourth thing I was going to share but I just checked threads and earlier someone had said they only had 19 photos on their camera roll and I was like, “I have 19 from just this morning” and so I replied with this:

And then I started getting messages asking if I meant to share “that picture” and I was thinking they were talking about the picture I’d posted of Hagrid and Kenny Loggins-Jesus with the invisible man but then I looked at my replies, and…

So then I considered just deleting it entirely but I thought that would look even more suspicious so instead I posted what I hope is the only combination of words that have ever been typed in this order:

And this is why I shouldn’t be allowed on social media.

And now I can’t remember what my real fourth thing was. Fuck. Thanks a lot, pretzel bread.

OH WAIT. I REMEMBER. Fourth thing is that Purrsy Bysshe Shelley is doing amazing.

10 days ago when he would only sleep in my shower and would hiss lightly when anyone got near:

A few days later when I woke up at 3am feeling something on my back and surprised him with the camera flash as he was clearly plotting my death:

And 4am this morning, when he assumed his now regular position of sleeping directly on my face and purring so loudly he keeps me awake for hours. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So here’s to healing and to the small creatures who do it so magically.

See you tonight!

Y’ALL.

Okay, so I have been in a very deep depression lately so I had an emergency ketamine session and I’ve been following all of my normal tools and they’ve helped but I was still struggling a little and finally I admitted that this house is just too sad after the loss of my two geriatric heart kitties who decided to leave me in a single week. I’ve been putting off looking at cats because grief is hard, but also I was thinking that maybe I could foster a kitten and that would give me a sweet distraction so Victor called a shop that has rescue cats and asked if they had any orange kittens available to foster and the guy was like, “I don’t know what breed they are” and Victor was like, “I don’t think orange is a breed?” and the guy was like, “Oh” and Victor said, “Soooo…could you go check?” and then you could hear the guy yell, “BRO WHAT BREED ARE THOSE KITTENS?” and after some mumbling he came back and said, “They’re a mangled mix” and Victor was like, “THEY’RE MANGLED?” and the guy said, “Yes, sir. They’re a mangled mix” and Victor was like, “I’m just checking again…did you say they’re mangled?” and the guy sighed in frustration and said, “It’s a mangled mix. They’re not full-blooded mangled” like he was letting us down that they were only partially mangled and I whispered “Do people want mangled kittens?” and Victor just shook his head and the pet store guy said, “I don’t know what else to tell you, bro” and then he hung up and we just stood there looking at the phone.

Then Hailey walked in and asked what was happening and I explained and Hailey said that maybe the kittens were “bengal-mixes” and that makes more sense but it still felt questionable. We went to an adoption drive and I held a few babies but none of them felt like they wanted to come home with me. But then Victor was on our neighborhood discussion board and a lady had rescued some very hungry, very flea-ridden feral kittens behind a trash can at a horse farm but couldn’t keep them…and one happened to be an orange boy who needed socializing. And I said no because my heart hurt a little but then the next day she posted again that the orange boy had purred for a few seconds and really needed a home and so…

We went over and I loved on him but he wouldn’t purr for me, which seemed like a sign, and so I said that I’d foster him and socialize him and get him all his shots and then find a good home for him. And he snuggled up in a towel and slept every second other than when he was getting shots and dewormed and checked out by the vet who gave him a clean bill of health other than lots of fleas and a prescription of lots of rest.

He slept in a nest of towels I made in my shower and made tiny hisses when we came near, but then at 3am he settled down and purred so loud I literally cried.

And within about a day this happened:

View this post on Instagram

And now I have a kitty.

But I do not have a name, which is not surprising since every animal I’ve ever had has had multiple names until one fit. (Dorothy Barker was named “Knives” for two full weeks.) We’ve had many fantastic suggestions, including:

The Big Le-meowski

Will Feral

Orange Julius

Olipurr Twist

Wilfur Brimley

Claw-nopin (because he was so laid back when he first arrived we thought he was sedated)

Catrick Swayze

Norman Meowler

Truman Catpote

Freddy Purrcury

Hissy Bordon

Meowrice Sendak

George Purr-nard Claw

Bananas Foster

Lando Catrissian

Catpurrnicus

Mewlius Ceaser

Fur-cules (rhymes with Hercules)

Winston Purr-chill

Atticus Finch

William Shakespurr

But currently we are testing out these top contenders:

Pierre Pawgust Renoir (because Pierre August Renoir was famous for painting with a cat on his lap, so much so that many of his later paintings were identified because of the cat fur mixed into the paint.)

Tanuki (Because tanuki are known in Japanese lore as being mischief makers and also because Victor wants to buy a tanuki statue and so when he said “If you get this cat then I get the tanuki” and I was like, “Deal” but then I was like, “I could just call him ‘Tanuki’ and then you don’t even need the statue.” He disagreed, which is fair.

But the leading favorite is Percy. Because I love a good nickname and Percy can be Purr-cy Bysshe Shelley, or Persimmon because he’s so orange, or Perseus because he has tiny bites on his nose that look like a constellation, or Omicron Persei 8 because Futurama.

Suggestions still accepted.

PS. When I started this post I had to stop a dozen times because Purrsy was furious at the state of my writing desk and decided to clean it by just knocking shit off and eating stray papers I needed:

Deeply disappointed in me.

But then he flopped into my lap and is currently purring so loudly and demanding so much attention that I can’t even finish this properly or go back to fix all the typos.

I mean…

Come on.

Discovered what petting was 48 hours ago. Now cannot stop demanding it.

PS. This is your sign if you are heartsick about a beloved pet who has passed that you may have more room in your grieving heart than you know. I didn’t think I was ready, but this is the best medicine.

Sorry this post took longer than expected…coming out of a depression that’s lasted a little longer than normal, but feeling mostly human again. 🙂

First up, How To Be Okay When Nothing Is Okay is on the Indie Bookshop Bestsellers list for the 6th week in a row (what???) and to commemorate I’m doing a giveaway over on instagram to celebrate Independent Bookshops and those who love them. Also, I’m seeing so many people saying that they’re giving the book to recent graduates and I’m getting emails from people who were gifted the book and have been helped by it and honestly, this is giving me life right now. Thank you.

View this post on Instagram

And now that I’m getting back some of my energy….more book tour stories from my diary!

At the airport a stranger said, “Did you plan that?” and I didn’t know what he was talking about until I noticed that my dress was the exact pattern of the wallpaper. Reader, I did not plan that.

*******

The lady sitting next to me on the plane: You won’t hurt my feelings if you want to switch seats because my baby is very needy and might be noisy.

The baby in question:

me: Ma’am, I would literally pay extra just to sit here with this distinguished gentleman.

**********

Spoke to a giant crowd in Austin at BookPeople. I was on the second floor and Victor said he’d stay on the landing of the third floor so that he could hear everything and I told him that was fine but that he couldn’t make any noises and he immediately started making ghost sounds, which is a terrible sign and so when I got on stage I explained that if you hear ghost sounds from above it’s just Victor because every time we order pizza I’m always the one who has to open the door for the delivery person and inevitably Victor will loudly (from another room) wail, “OoooOOOOoooooh! I’m a ghost….a teeeeerrible ghost” because he knows it’s embarrassing for me to even be perceived by the delivery person and I will have to say, “There is no ghost” to the delivery person who probably never even heard the moaning and is wondering if I’m insane. And then later Hailey started to do it too so when I opened the door for pizza I would hear “OOOOOhhhhooooohh! I’m a ghost” and then a different voice saying, “I’m a ghost toooooo. OOOOOhhhhoooh” and then I was like, “Fine. You’ve cured me. I’m no longer mortified when answering the door. I’ve reached the end of mortification through ghostly exposure therapy” and then Victor started going, “Oooooohhhhooooo! I’m a ghost with diarrhea.” And the delivery guy was like, “What is happening?” and then Hailey was like, “Oooooh, I’m a ghost with diarrhea toooooo. WhooooOOOOhooooo” and then we clearly had to move and I no longer answer the door for pizza. Anyway, I told this whole story on stage immediately after saying hello and I was like “And that’s why you’re about to hear ‘I’m a ghost with diarrhea’ being moaned from above” and then I paused and y’all….

DEAD SILENCE.

And I was like, “OH MY GOD REALLY?” and I could literally hearing Victor’s muffled and so instead of being embarrassed about being haunted by an unexpected ghost with diarrhea I was embarrassed by the lack of an expected ghost with diarrhea and I’m almost positive this shit never happened to Charles Dickens.

**********

In a signing line a very sweet woman handed me her book to sign and said, “My son lost part of his skull and he was able to get it back from the hospital but they made him sign papers saying that he promised not to eat it.” And I was like, “Was that a concern?” and we had a fascinating little conversation that I loved but was deeply confusing for the bookstore employee who was taking pictures but who had not read my book.

At that same signing I got several gift bags from people who said, “You can just open this later” and that’s always really nice because afterward I start to panic that people hate me and if I have letters and such to open it’s a weird sort of comfort. When I was done signing I was trying to consolidate everything into one bag and pulled out the back half of a dead rat from a gift bag, which seems like a threat unless you’re me, in which case it actually makes sense and is sort of thoughtful. And then I was like, “What’s really baffling is that this is the second half of a dead animal I’ve been gifted this week” and the bookstore employee was like, “NO, WHAT IS REALLY BAFFLING IS ALL OF THIS” and another employee was like, “Was the other gift the front half of an animal? Can you put them together and make them into one whole animal?” and I looked at her like she was crazy because they’re not legos but then I remembered that most people don’t know much about amateur taxidermy and so I just said, “Nope. Just the buttholes.”

*********

I always take a picture at the end of every reading and that’s usually when I realize that I have something in my teeth, my skirt is stuck to my underwear or I’ve inexplicably turned into a blueberry. I assure you, I am slightly less smurfy in real life.

**********

Did you miss seeing me on tour? Or did you have tickets but it was too scary to leave your car and go inside? (You are not alone and I’ve actually done this myself at other people’s events so do not feel bad.) Well…I’m going to have one more spot and you are invited and it is free and you don’t have to leave your house or even put on pants. It’s a zoom through Nowhere on May 29th and I’ll be doing a book reading and a Q&A and maybe special guests will pop in and we’ll be giving away fun things. Come! Click here to rsvp and we’ll send you a link to watch it. And if you order a copy from Nowhere I will happily sign it and draw a little kitty on it. The top half of the kitty. In case you were wondering.

I feel like I’ve forgotten to write something here but my mind is slightly mushy so please forgive me.