The Bloggess

So last week Victor and Hailey and I went to socialize feral shelter kittens and the kittens were all like, “fuck you guys” and hid but there was this lanky, black teenage cat who was like, “PICK ME UP. LOVE ME. LET ME CRAWL INSIDE YOUR CARDIGAN.” I’ve never had a black cat before so I’m not sure if this is typical black cat behavior, but he insisted that we not leave and then literally jumped into an adoption box by himself and stared at us, like “What is taking you so long? PITTER PATTER LET’S GET AT ‘ER.”

We immediately took him to the vet and then he immediately broke several things in the vets office and then he was ours. Purrsy and Dorothy Barker are tentatively welcoming. The black cat is so laid back and doofy he didn’t even seem to notice there were other animals in the house. Or maybe he’s just used to lots of animals in the shelter? He is the definition of nonchalant.

I cannot take a good picture of him because he is a void and my camera insists it needs more light.

Why is his leg out like that? No one knows. But he’s purring like a motherfucker and has made himself at home.

And so now we have a new cat (HOW DID THIS HAPPEN) and we need a name. We haven’t entirely decided on one yet, but below is our most recent conversation:

me: Should we do pun name so he matches Purrsy Bysshe Shelley?

Victor: He looks like a Jinx. Because he’s full of hijinks.

Hailey: How about Midnight?

Victor: Too plain.

me: Johnny Cash!

Hailey: How is that a pun?

me: Because he’s “the man in black.”

Victor: That’s a very long way to go for a joke. How about…Azreal?

me: Oh, I like that.

Hailey: Who?

me: The black cat that Gargamel had on the Smurfs?

Hailey: Azreal was orange.

me and Victor: Absolutely not.

Hailey: Yeah he was. Look him up.

Victor: Wtf? Is this a Mandela Effect thing?

me: It has to be.

Victor: Weren’t you going to make me a shirt with Gargamel on the front and “Everyday I’m Wizarding” on on the back?

me: Ran into copyright issues. How about Noche?

Victor: They’re delicious.

me: Not gnocchi. “Noche”…like the Spanish word for night.

Victor: That’s not even close to how you pronounce that word.

me: Walter Walnuts!

Hailey: What?

me: It’s just fun to say. “Walter Walnuts.”

Victor: That’s a ridiculous name. You might as well call him “The Jonas Brothers.”

me: How about…Moonshadow?

Victor: I don’t hate it.

me: AND Moonshadow was a song by Cat Stevens. Get it? CAT Stevens?

Victor: So why don’t we just call him Cat Stevens?

me: So his first name is “Cat”? Absolutely not.

Hailey: Didn’t you want to name a cat “Mr. President”?

me: 12 years ago I did. It’s since lost its charm.

Hailey: Are you naming him Moonshadow after the cat in the Warrior Cat books? Feels very millennial-coded.

me: Oh, I forgot about those books.

Victor: I think we need to figure out what kind of cat he is to name him. Like, is he a menace, a familiar, a superhero?

me: How about Professor Midnight.”

Hailey: Hmm.

me: Because that sounds like a detective or a villain or a spooky friend…it’s very open-ended and mysterious.

Victor: I like it. Professor Midnight. He’s an academic. Not a medical doctor.

Hailey: Clearly.

Here’s a bunch of stuff:

I was just checking the mail and I heard a woman yell, “PUT YOUR POOPOO IN YOUR POCKET” and I kind of just froze because I don’t even know how to respond to that? It seems like an insult or a threat but turns out it was an elderly woman from my neighborhood who was taking a walk and (I guess?) giving advice to a man who was walking his dog and was carrying a little plastic bag of (presumably) dog poo, and he sort of stutter-stopped and looked at her like, “Pardon?” and she was like, “Yeah, just put your poopoo in your pocket! Then you don’t have to hold it!” And then she grinned helpfully like it was the most reasonable life hack ever. Then she mimed stuffing shit in your pocket. He didn’t put it in his pocket but he did smile and wave and I can’t tell if this is a sign that I live in a very kind neighborhood or a very weird neighborhood. Also, now I can’t stop yelling, “PUT YOUR POOPOO IN YOUR POCKET” because it is very catchy.

Today is Victor’s birthday. Happy birthday, Victor! PUT YOUR POOPOO IN YOUR POCKET. (See…catchy.)

Yesterday I shared a new doodle on my art substack and it’s not very pretty but I really like it.

Today I shared my collection of antique photos of ACTUAL GHOSTS on my time-travel substack.

You can subscribe to either of them for free if you like, and you’ll get them in email each week. They’re different from the blog but still me. 🙂

Love!

22 years ago today I was hooked up to a million monitors and thanking God for epidurals. I was so worried that they’d mix up our baby with someone else’s so as soon as I gave birth I told Victor, “FOLLOW THAT BABY” and he ran out of the room after them. And my heart has been living on the outside of my body ever since.

Happy birthday, HaileyBug. You are the best of us.

Autocorrect on my text messages is making me look even more unhinged than normal lately, so if you ever feel bad about your texting issues, please enjoy these two examples from just the last week:

What I thought I wrote:

“I need to start being more kind to myself. I’ve been really getting down on myself lately.”

What I actually sent:

“I need to start being more kind to myself. I’ve been really going down on myself lately.”

What I thought I wrote:

“I slept for maybe two hours last night so instead of getting up this morning I just brought my laptop, a bowl of old easter candy and my notes back into bed and breakfasted with the dog and cat, who seemed confused but nonjudgmental.”

What I actually sent:

“I slept for maybe two hours last night so instead of getting up this morning I just brought my laptop, a bowl of old easter candy and my notes back into bed and breastfed with the dog and cat, who seemed confused but nonjudgmental.”

Anyway, this is my public apology to everyone I text because you really don’t deserve this and I hope you enjoy whatever is wrong with me because holy fuck, it’s a lot.

(Above: a live representation of how I assume everyone looks when they open my texts. I’m so sorry.)

If you follow me on instagram you may have already seen this, but just in case you don’t…Rolly has been having a really hard time with the new kitten (who is now larger than the dog and has no clue how strong he is, as he seems to be teething on everything and everyone). This is happening at the same time that Hailey has moved into a new place to start their pharmacy doctorate, and they’re only an hour away from us but they are still very lonely, so they decided that Rolly should come and live with them. This is actually a wonderful idea, and technically Rolly is Hailey’s cat (which explains why Rolly has a normal name instead of a pun name, because that’s what happens when you let your 2-year-old name their cat) so it feels very normal but almost incredibly unnatural because Rolly has lived with me for over 20 years.

A few days ago I took her over to Hailey’s, thinking that she’d probably hide in a corner of the guest bedroom where I was going to spend the night and stay with her until she felt safe, but within 20 minutes she was meowing insistently at the door and confidently explored the rest of the place (probably just to make sure there weren’t any kittens waiting to attack her). She was fascinated with the pigeons (currently making a nest on the balcony) and the sunbeams to sleep in.

Rolly is the most haughty of all of our cats. Removed. Judgy. She might sit near you on a rare occasion, but won’t sit on your lap. She likes her solitary living and tends to stay in rooms where she can be alone. A few times a day when she wants love she will demand it and will purr like mad, but as soon as she’s done you better stop or she will make you stop. Sort of a perfect match for Hailey, living alone in their apartment and spending so many nights studying.

I was not prepared for the fact that Rolly would instantly transform into a cat who wanted to sleep in a bed, or jumped up on the couch to sit with Hailey and I while we watched tv. I’ve never seen Rolly sleep overnight on a bed in my life but suddenly she is the snuggliest thing. Perhaps some of this is a little fear of being in a new place, but I suspect that more likely she just never spent a ton of time sitting right next to us because she lightly despises all other animals. She is so enjoying being an only child that it’s like she’s on vacation, or in a lush cat-retirement home.

It hurts my heart a little be away from her, but Hailey keeps sending me pictures of her cuddled up in bed as they study into the night. Hailey has surrounded her with toys (which she promptly ignored) and treats (which she is loving) and Hailey is massaging special balms onto her toe beans, and gently grooming her with a steam brush, and just generally pampering the shit out of her. They just ordered a set of cat stairs because “she shouldn’t have to jump into bed at her age, mom.” I suspect soon they will be wearing Rolly in a baby harness.

In short, I think this will work out just fine.

Even if I miss them both so much it hurts a little.

PS. I know what you’re going to say….now I need another kitten. And I would agree, except that Rolly is 20 and it’s possible that in the future she might need special care that Hailey can’t give (because they’re in school during the day) and I don’t want to risk Rolly having to come back and deal with two rambunctious babies and a dog. But, man I am tempted.

This isn’t a real post…just a collection of stuff that doesn’t fit anywhere else.

1. If you signed up for “founder” status of my new time travel project then your handwritten thank you letter and tiny antique photograph is in this pile (which will be mailed off next week because I ran out of stamps). It’s not too late to sign up if you missed it. 🙂 If you’re a founder and haven’t seen an email from me asking for your address, check your spam. And if I have leftovers next month I’m going to email subscribers randomly to send out more because this was really quite fun and I have too many tintypes.

Purrsy Bysshe Shelley was not pleased with the lack of attention. Clearly.

2. YOU ARE HERE was out of print for a tiny bit because there was a bit of a run on it because people were giving it as a graduation gift with How To Be Okay, but it’s back now with a new printing! So if you want a signed copy you can get one from Nowhere Bookshop, as always.

3. Once a year I open up spaces on my sidebar if you want to buy an ad. It’s $100-125 a month for a text ad and it can be for anything (as long as it’s legal). Books, small businesses, marriage proposals, blogs…whatever you like. Please visit the current sidebar advertisers because they are literally paying the server bills to keep this place running and I love them. Also, they can attest that I am forever behind and everyone often gets free months because I forget that time passes. (I also have two graphic ad sidebar spaces for $350 a month as well if you’re interested.) Email me at advertising @ thebloggess.com if you want in.

4. The first foreign edition of HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY has been published and I love it because it’s Persian and when Broken came out in Persian years ago I asked a friend to translate the cover and she looked at it and was like, “Huh. Maybe my Persian isn’t as good as I thought it was? Let’s ask my mom because she’ll know” and her mom was like, “Yeah, it basically says ‘The Mind Nonsense of a Mad Person‘” and honestly? Not that inaccurate. But this translation title seems a little more on the nose.

5. I can’t remember what #5 was supposed to be. Feel free to make up your own number 5.